He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
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It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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