You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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