my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
