Where is the hickey?
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
My ATM looks so different sober.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
