Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
two words...techno handjob
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
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