My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
