The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
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My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
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I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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