Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
