My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
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Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
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The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
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