I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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