if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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