Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
