I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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