i think my tv is drunk
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
