Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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