Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize