i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
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