genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
