there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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