1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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