i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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