A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
