Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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