I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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