There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
