the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
