he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
