can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky