Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
