I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
