haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Use "feeling words"
Yay
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
