I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
