Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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