I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Randomize
