Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize