Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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