I cannot find my penis.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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