he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
