I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
