I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just threw up on my dentist
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
