I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
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Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
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Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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