Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Let's get the cat blown out
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
