God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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