I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I said "one day" and that day is not today
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
