Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
he was CRYING into my vagina
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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