I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
