Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
