Banned from zoo.
Again?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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