i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
