my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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