The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
