I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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