I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
